I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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