oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
