Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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