So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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