I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
