GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
