I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is Oprah even human
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
