hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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