ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
