anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
