I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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