Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
