I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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