Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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