he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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