I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
