At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
