Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
