Got a toothbrush?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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