I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
