Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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