the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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