if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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