my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
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You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.