my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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