how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
