Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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