Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
