She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
