My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
