So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
