saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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