theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
