Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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