Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
