I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
