the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
