i just sent this text using only my big toe
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
