My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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