Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
