I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
