You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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