how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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