You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
