she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
