so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
