i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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