i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
