Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
