I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
