What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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