Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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