I could make wine with my vomit
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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