im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
