peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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