First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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