I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
