I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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