Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
